As a parent, albeit a “step” one, I have had the incredible opportunity to see my programming reflected back to me on a regular basis, and nothing stands out as much as the ways dominance can creep into the way I behave, even though I have a strong feeling that dominance is at the root of most problems or aspects of the world and society that trouble me.
The thing is, dominance works.
As I grew up, I was surrounded by friends and immediate family who were what was called then “on the left” and as much as I preferred to be around them compared to the Polo-wearing, bible-quoting right-wing folks I knew, I also thought, ‘boy, are these people naive’. How can we really have a world without war, where people cooperate? I saw that nonviolent direct action could have impact, but in the end, guns and threats of nuclear annihilation seemed to have no real answer.
I was raised in a weird paradox around power: Quaker, peace-espousing parents, one of whom used fear and dominance liberally to foster obedience. I knew that no matter how much people at Sunday meeting might tell you that all people are equal, when it came to whether I would do what I was told, god’s eyes were averted.
Though it seems sort of archaic to me now, back in the days when my parents were raised, family relationships were largely hidden and trauma and and dysfunction were kept behind closed doors. This parent was raised in fear. And these kind of endless cycles went on without much question, at least for many Canadian and American families.
“Good parenting” has had its theorists for some time, and scientists have been specifically investigating how our experience of childhood shapes us for decades. In the last half-century, this evidence began to inform the way people thought about parenting and the idea of corporal punishment started to lose favour, while more caring, empathy, and openness grew more prevalent.
What is amazing about this shift is that it implies that though it might seem ‘naive’ on its surface, when you look at the evidence, it’s pretty clear humans benefit from feeling loved, encouraged, and respected, even as children. But as a parent, it’s often challenging to give up the dream of a kid who does what they’re told, ‘behaves’ well, and listens to what you tell them.
Again, dominance works. When we threaten to take away games, phones, or social events, we get the behaviour we want more quickly. When we invoke fear or anger, kids do what we say, when we are bigger than them.
But of course, this comes at a cost. We’re not connected with our kids in those moments. We’re creating opportunities for resentment. We’re not giving kids the chance to fail and learn, or to take responsibility.
After I discovered hand-in-hand parenting and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, I saw that it was possible to create and maintain healthy boundaries that don’t rely on punishment and reward. And what is so exciting about this for me is what it implies about societal dominance.
Our culture, economy, and government fundamentally rest on a scaffolding of dominance and violence. And it works. Threats for challenging the system are ever-present. You can risk violence or imprisonment by speaking out in the wrong place, by not paying taxes or bills, or simply by being different. And a lot of people think even considering different options for maintaining ‘order’ are naive.
But new ways of parenting show that people, even kids and teenagers, are able to understand and work within healthy boundaries when those boundaries are not simply imposed without input or listening. When we might be operating from having more experience and information (and in the case of kids, brain development) but being open to the idea that we might still not be “right,” especially in determining what is good for other people. And there’s no real reason why we couldn’t construct organizations that would function with respect, compassion, and self-responsibility.
Except that it is harder.
And when it comes to those who have power, ease is seductive and understanding can be slower, more complex, and has no guarantee of a preferred outcome.
We’ve given so much of our power to undemocratic rule by corporations that it’s possible challenging the bounds of dominance might not actually something we can collectively decide to do. But I don’t know- if we all actually learned how to parent differently, maybe the rest of it comes naturally?
I’m of the mind that systems around me do change for the better when I change. At least the family systems do. I hope to see and participate in more experiments in developing systems among people with a non-domination orientation. What will happen? I’m just so curious.